I've been here for almost six months and although one adapts to their surroundings quickly, there are still plenty of things about India that are downright baffling. And so I present to you:
Top 10 Befuddling Things About India: A Firangi's Perspective
10. Noise
India is, without a doubt, the noisiest place I've ever been. The vehicles honk incessantly because apparently that is so much easier than using a blinker or mirror. The distinct sound of bus horns is cringe-worthy. My one bus ride (from Agra to Jaipur) left me in a state of anxiety-ridden exhaustion after 7+ hours of the horrible trilling bus honking. If it isn't the traffic, it's the vendors yelling in the streets as they push their wooden carts. My Hindi is abysmal, but I'm certain they are calling out fantastic deals on papaya or puppets or pants. If not for the honking or the yelling, there is the ungodly number of pigeons. My favorite part is when they hold dance parties on my bedroom AC unit in the middle of the night. I'm sure my neighbors have grown accustom to the snarling banging white girl next door yelling obscenities out her window at 3am.
I read a fantastic book called Cutting for Stone (high-five Mom!) and there is this great scene where one of the characters is awed by the silent highways of New York after emigrating from Ethiopia. While Americans may find this comical (New York? Quiet?), I quickly identified with the character's description. I desperately crave the blissful quiet of driving stateside.
9. Wednesdays
India has cultural and religious customs deeply ingrained in daily activities. One of the most perplexing is the art of buying a new vehicle. You should always buy a vehicles on Wednesdays and never Saturdays. Mid-week is an auspicious time to purchase iron products and the weekend is a disadvantageous time to do so. After finalizing the purchase, you must have it taken to the nearest Ganesh temple (never drive it!). There, a pandit (priest) will bless the vehicle and draw a tilak as well as swastik for bringing fortune. As an outsider looking in, I find this particularly ironic given the careless abandon with which people drive around here.
8. Litter
When telling people I was moving to India, I was commonly met with stares and exclamations of, "but India is so dirty!" It's true, the amount of trash is of nightmare proportions. People throw wrappers and trash on the ground without a second thought. Beautiful sites like the Jal Mahal has litter choking the shoreline. My friends and coworkers have quickly learned that I will openly fuss at them if I catch them tossing trash on the ground. New buildings are constructed and large piles of rubble are left at the entrance gate. Although my area is comparatively clean, it can be very discouraging to see dogs, pigs, monkeys, and [sacred] cows foraging through large piles of garbage on the more congested streets. Perhaps Sweden should consider importing garbage from India!
7. Instant Popularity
It is no secret that a white girl in Asia can expect to have their picture taken regularly. It isn't until you live here and experience the daily requests that one can fully appreciate the hilarity of it all. I am stared at constantly. I truly sympathize with celebrities, because I now keep sunglasses and a scarf (to cover my red hair) to avoid the paparazzi. In the area I live, most people recognize me and I am left in relative peace. Send me to any historical monument or large event, and I am guaranteed to draw a crowd requesting autographs and pictures. At Taj Mahal, the line of people waiting to take a picture with me became so long that Nikki told them he would be charging 10 rupees per picture. For those of you who follow my Instagram, you saw my pictures in the Hindi newspaper simply for my sunglasses and way of drinking tea. Although the instant celebrity of being so pale is annoying sometimes, my favorite part of my walk to work each morning is the gaggle of school girls (perhaps 10-11 years old) that shyly approach me to practice their English and wish me a good day.
6. Saris
Saris are arguably one of the most beautiful things a woman can wear. They are also one of the most complicated things to wear. I own 5 saris, but the prospect of tying one is so daunting that I've only worn a sari once! It doesn't matter how many times I read Wikihow or how many times I practice, I might as well be John Belushi in a toga a la Animal House. Assuming you master the art of sari tying, you then have to learn to walk in one. Luckily I am a high heel professional, so that part isn't difficult. The real task is learning to ride on a motorcycle in a sari. I always pass Indian women gracefully perched side saddle in their ornate saris. No matter how much a I practice, I doubt I will achieve their effortless riding style.
5. Postal System
I have received a number of awesome care packages since living here. Typically, they arrive with no issue. Then, there is the occasion where I receive the dreaded customs notification. To say that India is a land of bureaucracy and corruption is an under statement. A simple trip to customs is not an annoying wait-in-line-and-deal-with-disgruntled-employees affair. Instead you are sent up dark stairs to a storeroom that has stacks of boxes and mail behind locked cages. Not to mention the friendly rats that scurry along the floors and the pigeons that swoop in through open windows. I'm pretty sure some of the mail has been there since before I was born.
After checking in with the first man, you are ordered to write a letter requesting your package. You're then sent to a second man who doesn't even read your letter and fills out numerous papers and a register book. At that point you're sent back to the cages in hopes of someone retrieving your package. An angry looking woman with a giant bowl of wax glares at you. Several men sit on the floor stitching linen wrappings around boxes. You glance around nervously and pray the rats don't take interested in your sparkly flats. Then someone barks at you to tell them what you've been sent (I don't know? Christmas gifts?). You try to look as innocent as possible, because they stare you down suspiciously. They look in your package and send you to meet another man. He wants to see proof that you're living and working in India. He wants to know where you're from. He wants to know if you speak Hindi. "Thoda thoda" (very little), you reply. You are sent with your package to the first guy you met with. You still try to look innocent even though it's obvious your box only contains velveeta and rotel tomatoes. Mmmm, delicious queso contraband. The wax lady comes in and glares some more. The first man asks you to pay him a bribe, but you misunderstand and think he is asking if you want chai. You smile and politely decline. He asks again. You still don't want chai. He grimaces and waves you out the door. You scurry down the scary stairs and only when you are safely in the car does your friend inform you that he wanted money. I just want those 2 hours of my life back.
4. Animals
An adolescent monkey hitching a ride on the back of a pig? Passing an elephant on the highway because it was lumbering along too slowly for your taste? Riding a camel during sunrise? Sidestepping cows while walking to work? Being chased by a stray dog after sidestepping aforementioned cows? Watching cats peacefully sleep next large monkeys grooming themselves on the neighboring rooftop? Being forced to stop on the highway while a herd of goats cross? Yep. Just a typical day in India.
3. Domestic Staff
It is possible that moving back to the states will render me helpless and depressed. Never mind my diminished popularity stateside (see #7), I am so spoiled with domestic staff that it'll be a wonder if I remember how to make toast! Having a staff in the home and office is insanely common here. I have access to a fantastic chef from Nepal who is insuring that my vegetarian diet will lead to weight gain. I have a maid that comes six days a week to wash my dishes and make my bed. I have another maid who comes to clean my bathroom. I have a laundry service that hand washes and delivers my clothes to my door. Granted, everything is ironed with newspaper in them. I have a very patient driver that tries to teach me Hindi and takes me on random errands. There are two guys in my office whose sole job is to keep us up to our eyeballs in chai and coffee. The Indians generally wonder how Americans can survive without a household staff. I laugh at their wonderment, but can't complain. Plain and simple, a gal can get a little spoiled.
2. Poverty
The income gap in India is staggering. I mentioned in this post that almost 2/3 of Mumbai's population is living in the slums. Begging children tap on your car windows while stopped at a red light. The larger monuments have crowds of children and adults begging in the streets leading up to the entrance. They boldly approach, tug on your clothing asking for food and money. I have read terrible reports of parents purposely disfiguring their children in hopes of earning more while begging. Child prostitutes can be seen in crowded areas soliciting men. It is truly the most heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed. It is an internal struggle every time I happen upon begging children, because I know that giving money only enables the cycle of behavior. There is a serious lack of educational and social welfare programs to intervene. Of all the things I've mentioned about living in India, this is the hardest to confront.
1. Happiness
Despite the loud crazy overwhelming frustrating experience, I am most surprised with how happy I am here. I love the people. They are gracious, friendly, and always willing to help. The colors are vibrant and unapologetic. The history and culture is rich and beautiful. As much as I miss brisket tacos and bacon, the food is fantastic. There are plenty of days that make me want to pull out my hair, but they are far outweighed by the days of peace and happiness.
Don't worry Mom and Pops, I promise I'm not staying permanently.
